The Last month according to MOnkee
For a lot of my friends it didn’t came as a surprise, after my last post “the weeks according to monkee”
most of them had a good conversation with me. A couple of them knew what I was talking about and that gave a little bit of hope for me. But after that post it went downhill for me.
This is week 6 I’m in. After the it’s over, finito part I went to my doctor and asked for a conversation with a psychologist.
I got my conversation and my psychologist was amazed by the fact it took me so many years to get help. I’m living my life for so many years by myself and I tackled personal problems on my own, but after 24 years I broke down.
I don’t know who I am anymore. One moment I feel normal, another moment I’m crying my eyes out, yet another moment I could kill somebody. I’m soo tired of myself. When you break a leg, everybody can see that you’re sick. You can’t see anything on me, only my closest friends and family can see that I’m not the Monkee I used to be.. It’s soo hard, cause I’m scared that people think I’m a loser, a whimp and weak.. I’m angry ’cause I think I’m weak.
People telling me that everything’s gonna be allright are pissing me off right now. I hope that everything is going to be ok when all of this is over, but at the moment, I’m not convinced that everything is gonna be allright.
I’m in an emotional rollercoaster for 6 weeks now and it’s not funny anymore.
I need distractions, but I’m sick at home and everybody’s working their ass off.
I don’t want to be “too much” for people. The always entertaining, laughing Monkee isn’t there anymore all the time and I’m scared that I’m scaring people of by not having any controle over myself. Like “ooh noo it’s her again.” /ignore.
Today I cried infront of the MacDonalds, I know it’s a bad bad place and it can be normal to cry at the MacDonalds cause the service sucks, but I cried ’cause I was desperate, I couldn’t take myself anymore and emotionally I collapsed.
I’m going to try to write some more on this blog.
The forum is still a kozy, nice, busy place for geekmonkees.
I started playing the real Dungeons and Dragons with a player’s Handbook and a dungeonmaster! So I will give some D&D updates.
Next week I’m getting a sewing machine from my mum and I’m going to start making clothes..
If it’s working out, I will post some pics…
So maybe if I can find the strength, the energy and the focus to do stuff I will…
Or I don’t..